Dear Aloaye,
I have so much to say to you. Too much.
I was having a great year and then I wasn’t. And then I was. What a hectic year.
When I was four, a Seesaw sliced through my palm and left a scar which reminds me of a moment that I barely remember. Largely, scars largely serve as reminders of moments where things spiraled out of our control so much that we go through the rest of our lives with physical and mental reminders of our frailty. What’s the point of all this talk about scars? It has been a year of Seesaws.
There is absolutely no way to look back at the last 365 days without feeling a cocktail of emotions. The year I am writing from was largely a solid year. However, it feels like there are several missing parts which have gone missing between days 1 and 365. It is hard to walk away from the year without feeling like I could have given so much more. It is also hard to look back at the last twelve months and not feel a fleeting sense of fulfilment.
“Faster than a bullet, flying like a rocket”. That string of words perfectly describes my life this year. This year, I lived like a rabid whirlwind. Here one moment, gone the next. There have been several moments where it felt like all the cells in my body have been transformed into air bubbles. The thing about living life at breakneck speed is that so much is lost in a blur of colour and sound. It is easy to lose sight of what matters and what doesn’t because you are doing so much, too much, all at once.
As much as I lived at breakneck speed, this year was also one for perspective. For looking around and taking it all in.
Less than three years ago, there were five friends in the suite of a hotel room cracking jokes about everything and anything as they prepared to prostrate and go through the motions of their friend’s wedding. Today, only two of those friends call Nigeria home. I know this because I was one of the friends cracking those jokes. And this is just one of my friendship groups. These days I laugh less because of how much Nigeria has taken and is taking away from me. Quality of life on this side is in the sewers and that’s putting it lightly.
Aloaye, if you are anything like me, which I think you are, you will learn that it is also easy to lose bits and pieces of yourself in the madness of motion. In my experience, loss is a coin. Losing might be for the greater good. Loss might send you off the deep end. It all depends on the day. I’ll probably never be able to quantify how much I have lost and how much these losses have re-shaped my outlook and transformed me as a person. But they happened and I am here. A win is a win.
Lately, I have been fighting a wave of cynicism. This is the first and last time I will admit to this. In my experience, there is only so much you can do. I have gotten to this point because of a single point of failure, my inability to define boundaries. As much as I try to navigate relationships with an open mind, I have gotten to the point in my life where a handful of people only reach out to me when they need help. While this bothers me in some way because I like to think there is so much to me than what I can give, I have made my peace with my shortcomings on this front. I’ll do the ones I can and no more. At the end of the day, I am not God. I may be an answer to some prayers but I cannot be an answer to all prayers. My name is not written in Philippians 4:19.
I have navigated the last five years with a very mechanical approach and I am now more drained in more ways than one. For context, I have read only one book this year. My life has largely revolved been a lot of do this, do that, tick that box, deliver that deliverable and on and on and on. I cannot wait to be happy again. To be excited about the odds and ends of my life. To read books and watch football matches and laugh like there won’t be another joke tomorrow.
In the second Iron Man movie, Howard Stark tells Tony “What is and always will be my greatest creation is you”. This year, my greatest creation has been my friends. The relationships I have forged in the past have in more ways than one saved me from myself. At some point this year, I was going through an incredible period of darkness and my friends ensured I didn’t need to get to the end of the tunnel before I saw the light. I am infinitely grateful for the reminders that “…there’s love at home”, the calls at 1AM, the open doors at Medina Estate at 8am and 1pm and 3pm and all the many other gestures which put the most broken version of me back together again.
I am also grateful for the work I have done this year. It is all coming together now. I have come a long way but I am not done. If there is one thing I have a deep-seated belief in, it is that things are possible. It sounds like religious cum motivational babble but indeed all things are possible with God, an agile imagination and hard work. There is an infinite universe of possibilities. You just need to take more and more leaps of faith.
I am just as grateful for the perspective which comes with getting older and the gift of being able to live on my own terms, because at the end of the day, all things considered, nobody can beat me. I have made my peace with falling short of expectations and doing what I can and doing some more in the morning. I have lost friends. I have made friends. I have tried. Ultimately, I am a trier. As I write these words, I am standing next to the pyre of one of my friendships. There’s only so much I can do. Will everything work out? I have no idea.
Aloaye, you need to find time to touch grass and make peace with quiet unchaotic moments. No thanks to the internet, it is easy to spend time chasing dopamine highs and all sorts of distractions from the work that needs to be done. I am self-aware enough to know I have an overactive mind and a thing for procrastination. I know I could have done much more if I was more disciplined and comfortable with boredom and less interested with the shiny new toys which rob me of time and my attention span.
I gave you a spoiler last year. Here’s another one. At some point in the final quarter of a certain year which ends in a prime number, a friend is going to try to matchmake you with someone who ticks a lot of the right boxes. However, those ticks will be written with pencil. Don’t reach out to that person, except like me you have a thing for adventure and short-lived excitement. If you ignore my advice, which I’m sure you will, you will have three exciting months which will end with you staring into the distance on the edge of a mental breakdown as the pieces of your heart clog your bloodstream. Aloaye, don’t reach out, don’t send that message. Just sleep. Experience is not always the best teacher.
If there is one thing I am taking into the new year, it is hope, reckless optimism in a good future where everything works out. I have a really good feeling about the new year. It is a year for more. More growth, more hard work, more discipline, more laughter. All things are possible. And if these things don’t work, there’ll be another year after that and another. In the words of Jay Gatsby, “My life has got to be like this, it’s got to keep going up.”
Am I worried about tomorrow? About the future? Slightly. Which is why I’ll be closing out with the words of one of my favourite movie characters, Tony Stark, “What am I even tripping for? Everything is going to work out exactly as planned.”
You.
